What to Expect as the Local "Tech Guru"

I have lived my life as the local "computer guy".  I grew up in a family of computer people, always able to pick up a computer or any other type of technology and be able to use it in a matter of hours. This has usually been a gift I am glad to have, however as with any other gift it comes with it's drawbacks.

There are several great comics out there about being the local tech guru of your workplace. Specifically this flowchart by the genius over at XKCD and this one by the other genius known as The Oatmeal. But it hit me hard the other day that people really don't understand how differentiated the world of computers really is.
Hello? NASA? I have the launch codes.

Most people don't understand that most tech people are not what they are portrayed to be in the media. Movies enforce the stereotype that any lanky guy with a stupid t-shirt and ugly facial hair are able to use your cell phone to contact a government agency and hack into their data base using a voice modulator they made by crossing a yellow and fuchsia wire under the battery terminal.

In order to dispel this rumor I have set to task explaining some common misconceptions about those people that happily call themselves nerds and geeks.


I Can't Hack Things.

I know you've seen movies where I people are able to sit down at a computer and within 30 seconds have access to a government satellite, the CIA and FBI databases and your personal bank account.
Now you have hacking skillz equal only to my own.
The shame of it is it never quite works out that way. Just because I know how to use your cell phone before you do doesn't mean I can steal the identity of the guy that cut you off on your way to work this morning.


I Can't Make the Internet Faster.

Just a word of advice; if you notice the internet is slow chances are I have already noticed the problem, began the process of troubleshooting the problem, and have probably narrowed it down to several possibilities. But unless I happen to also be the IT guy at your office, I have no power over the internet. I may be able to tell you what is going on but I can't really make it go any faster. Unless of course it's simply because you have 32 tabs open to varying YouTube clips of cats getting stuck in boxes, in which case I'll be glad to make you feel stupid.



I Don't Know Anything about that Website You Saw Last Week.

Chances are that if you are the Local Tech Guru at your school or office you spend a decent portion of you time surfing the net finding fun and interesting websites to share. This is a great thing to do, however those of you who do this realize that there is also a downside to all this sharing. People around my school ask me daily what that site was that they found that does such and such. Everytime they ask I am forced to tell them that I am not sure of what they are talking about. 
You know... That one
The Internet is MASSIVE. There are an estimated 255 Million Websites on the Internet. Google has indexed less than 1% of the estimated 5 Million TB of information available out there. Send me the link. I will most likely be surprised.


I Don't Know What Computer You Should Buy.

One of the questions I get asked more than any other is some variation of the following, "My son/daughter needs a new computer/laptop for school. Which one should I get?" Here's the problem with that statement, there are several very viable brands with many different computer versions with hundreds of variations on each version.
There are several different ways this answer could play out; if you are family I will offer to take a trip out to the store with you and help you choose the right system, if you are a casual acquaintance (or if I am just trying to be nice) I will ask a few questions and might even print out a few options for you to choose from. If I don't know you / don't like you however I will tell you that there is not way for me to choose out of the hundreds of available options. In fact Let me Google that for you!
Get this one!

As the local tech guru you can expect alot of questions and requests from those around you, these are just a few of the questions that I get asked on a consistent basis. Let me know in the comments if there are any questions you think I forgot.
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